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Let's go boys! Yahoooooooooo!!!
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MPs to be given the keys to the treasury
Help yourselves, says Speaker Martin...
To save themselves the trouble and tiresomeness of it all, MPs should not have to provide details of their expenses but simply go the Treasury vault, grab a wad of dosh and say no more about it.
According to press reports this is what the Speaker Michael (I'm not from the Gorbals) Martin has decided is the best way forward in the controversy surrounding MPs expenses. In effect he has abolished them.
"It's a wonderfully simple plan," a shiny-eyed MP told us, "Think of the savings in paperwork, no more forms to fill in, or rules to be adhered to. No more rules!"
With clearly growing enthusiasm he went on,
"Just think of the savings in, er, paperwork. And stuff. 'Scuse me, must go to the toilet!"
Under the proposals MPs don't have to say what their barrowload of cash is for; it could be another house, or another house, or indeed another house, or in fact anything they like as it won't be recorded.
"You know what this means?" said another MP, "Move over John Frickin Cheapo Lewis - Hello Selfridges! Taxis??? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!!"
"We found it hard to set a limit on what MPs can stuff in their trousers," said a fairly sober member of the committee charged with reviewing MPs expenses, "After all, why set limits when there's no need for receipts? That would be silly, so, so, so silly. Come ON! You must see how frickin' silly THAT would be!?"
Warming to the theme of departmental efficiency he quickly thought up the following, "And it saves time, we're not going to employ some innumerate youth to count it all. My God we'd be there all buggering day. Just shovel it in the back of the Maserati and go!"
MPs were stung by a ruling last week that they must reveal everything they have spent expenses money on and see this as a way of totally shafting the system so the law cannot be applied.
"Lovely, isn't it?" one delighted and clearly inebriated MP said as he waltzed out of the Commons Bar along with the barman, "O happy days are here again. Hic! Ooops! Pardon my Dom Perignon."
Political historian Ivor Budgiebrush justified the move.
"Look, if MPs had to reveal all they spend their expenses on, it would clearly make the UK look mean spirited, treating the prime legislators in the Mother of All Parliaments in such a suspicious and parsimonious manner. This is one of the world's great democracies and one has to maintain some form of privacy and decorum. Can you imagine how embarrassing it would be?
"John Prescott's mock-tudor gable end for example. What a ghastly man!"
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