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Shite!
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Sixties pieces of kitsch are all fake
Disgusted expert sells his collection on Ebay for a tenner...
Films have been made about them, books written by the score, and they are even thought to possess magical powers, but it has been revealled this week that all kitsch ornaments from the sixties are just fakes.
This has come as blow to many people, but none more so than Scot Kriss 'Kitsch' Summer who has devoted his entire life bringing as many pieces of acrylic and plastic swans, parrots, antelopes and other gaudy baubles together in order to harness the entire universe and stop it imploding.
Believing all of these to be ancient artefacts from around 1961 and made in exotic Hong Kong, he deduced they were in fact potent symbols that pre-dated the Bay of Pigs. Historical records show this was indeed the case as this monumental event happened two years later.
"It was a revelation. I had actually stumbled upon something incredible," he told us, "Then I had a dream. In it a Present from Blackpool, one of those shake-it-up things with snow in it, it was drawing into itself waxed fruits, those little glass bears with purple ears and multi-coloured crystal parrots. I knew instantly what it meant - and tried to gather them in the dream before they reached the centre where the little church was but they reached it and - bang! I woke up all in a sweat."
Feverishly he and others have went on a mission to locate every one of these elusive and potentially dangerous objects before they are re-united with the Snow Globe.
Such has been the interest that museums all around the world have drawn millions to gaze in awe at their own collections of 1961 kitsch. A series of films have been made, such as Raiders of the Lost Tat, and the latest, Kingdom of the Plastic Gunk, centred on the search for the origins and mysteries of what some sceptics consider 'junk' sold on Ebay.
Those critics may well be correct, as it is now appears people like Kriss have been well and truly 'had'.
Professor Wilmut Sniff, an expert in car boot sales, explained to us.
"I have examined many of these pieces minutely and have come to the conclusion they are not ancient mysterious artefacts from the early sixties period that possess eerie and potentially lethal powers, but in fact a pile of shite from the middle seventies.
"I noticed first of all that most of them, especially the crystal parrots, were in fact made from a substance that was little used in the production of such artefacts until at least the post Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band period, namely acrylic.
"Also stamped on its arse was 'Made in Birmingham'."
Kriss has now sold off his entire collection on Ebay for a tenner, netting him a profit of sixty pee. He said he will now turn his attention to sixties nylon shirts. "These really do possess magical powers!" he said, "They make sparks fly off your body and everything and your hair stands on end. And I've had dreams about them involving young ladies. Awesome!"
No doubt a film is in the making as we speak.
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