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Gordon surrounded by a bunch of wet farts
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Labour admit they are a bunch of twats
Please do place your dog poo on top of us, they plead....
Following the total embarrassment of losing the Crewe & Nantwich By-Election, Labour MPs have been falling over themselves to prove how in tune they are with the British electorate.
Prior to the results, Hazel Blears admitted on Question Time that Labour had to listen to the people and spent the rest of the programme nodding, scribbling agreeable notes and generally being supine towards the utterly bored studio audience.
"I am hearing what people are saying," she said, "And I am taking away a message tonight. That message is we are all useless, out of touch, incompetent lying bar stewards. Thank you and goodnight."
Stung by this pre-emptive reading of the public mood, as soon as the results were made known, Labour ministers were furiously contacting the media begging to be seen as agreeing with the entire electorate
Des Browne immediately denounced all Labour party aims and objectives and said they were 'crap' and added, "And I am even more crap than that. In fact, I am just a great stinking pile of ordure."
Gordon Brown, dressed immaculately in sackcloth, ashes and a See-You-Jimmy wig, somberly addressed the cameras, rolling his 'r's to emphasise his Scottishness he said, "Rrrrrrrright. Frae noo on I'll tell ye how it is. Yer rrrrright, I AM Scottish and all my entire party are a bunch of wet farts."
Political analysts agreed this was Labour's best strategy following the massive 17% swing to the Conservatives,
Professor Thomas Skint of Loughbridgeford University said, "Basically, they can only agree with the electorate on absolutely everything people say. That means, Brown has to stop kidding us on he is from somewhere like Harpenden, he has to admit he really was a rubbish chancellor and that, yes, appearing on American TV makes him look like your embarrassing uncle who thinks he can do stand up."
David Alexander told us.
"We deserved to lose. Ouch! We are rubbish. Oh ya, ouch! I think we should all resign with immediate effect. AAARGH! In fact, here, you take these pins. Ouch. That's it, harder, deeper baby. OWWWWWWWW! God that hurts."
Jacqui Smith said, "I blame myself. Yes, me. It was MY fault, I am so awful. I should have paid those nice policemen their money, instead I behaved like the wicked witch I really am. Please arrest me and throw me in jail amongst a group of giant wild lesbians who will use me as a love toy. It's all I deserve."
Other ministers begged to disagree,
"Jacqui is very sweet," said Alistair Darling, "But she's nowhere near as rank rotten as I am. Good grief, what have I ever done that was even remotely useful or clever. I should be strung up by the Balls. Oh hello Ed. Just in time."
When asked where they go from here, Hilary Benn said, "Well, very soon you will see us react to the British public with a raft of new policies that will eventually show just how in tune we are with the electorate. We will listen and deliver competent government that seeks to answer their needs, with policies that will reduce the burdens of families and business and swing the pendulum away from greed, self-serving nepotism and oppressive tax burdens in favour of citizen-centred government that seeks to serve the people and their day to day concerns.
"Hey, only kidding! I'll just carry on being a specky twat!"
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