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"That looks heavy ma'am?" - "Yes, I'm 82 you know!"
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Queen smacks grandson around the head
Do that again and no pocket money she tells poor brat...
Her Majesty the Queen is said to be livid after her commoner grandson, Peter, sold family wedding photos to a magazine for half a million pounds.
"She went bonkers," said a palace aide, "she very nearly pulled his pants down to give him a good smacking, instead he got a clip round the earhole."
The photos, which should only be seen in the family photo album and pulled out when ambassadors or Prime Ministers pop round for tea, were splashed all over Hello! magazine after Peter Philips, 12, sold them.
Friends sought to defend the youngster, saying he was a victim of disadvantage.
"Well think about it," said a close friend, "He doesn't get anything from the public purse, has no royal duties and do you think for a minute the Queen gives him more than a tenner now and then? Poor boy had to do SOMETHING. It's not fair when nearly all your other relatives, including much younger cousins, have palaces, flunkies, thousands of pounds a week and can play with real helicopters. Imagine your kid had to put up with the stigma of being pointed at by total strangers and called 'common'?
"His grumpy old granny should be grateful he didn't turn to drug dealing."
Young Peter married his Canadian penpal, Autumn Kelly, on Saturday, at what was meant to be 'a nice fun family do' according to school chum, Augusta Flapp.
"It was very nithe and we had jelly afterwardth and Peter and Autumn played with their Thcaletrikth " she said, "Autumn had a nithe dreth on and we all thtood nithe for phototh. Peter giggled to me and thed he wath going to make thum pennieth with hith camera.
"I didn't think he meant half a million thtinking quid or I would have told one of the real printheth."
From now on no-one is to sell any photos of any royal family occasions ever again. The Royal Family album will be sealed and accompany the Queen wherever she goes.
"She doesn't trust any of her more common relatives any more, she's had all the silver counted." said a palace official sadly, "It means the handbag is out, the album is just huge. Poor old dear'll need to tote it around in a holdall. She's 82 you know."
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