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George Orwell's 1984 only got one thing wrong
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No more Mr Nice Guy: Government to record every bloody thing you do
Proposals to find out your porno log in and punish you for not being able to vote properly....
The government is considering bringing in a bill to record every email ever sent, every phone conversation, all your keystrokes, when you go to the lav and how many poos you do as well as set up cameras, microphones and heat sensors in every street, doorway and bedroom.
The plans, seen by some as a tad drastic, are considered a direct response to news we brought you recently that a judge had decided we had a right to know about all of their lives.
"This is what you get!" said a smug Downing Street spokesman, "You want us to show you our expenses and when we have a fag, then we want to know EVERYTHING about you. And that includes your porno log in.
"Ain't technology wonderful!" he added, barely able to conceal his glee or the fact he had a tick in his face when he said 'porno'.
If the bill goes through, it will mean practically every movement and action of every citizen will be recorded and kept in a database which will be the biggest and most costliest machine ever constructed. Early estimates put the bill at £570 billion.
"Which will mean your tax is screwed. And forget your miserable pensions." chortled the spokesman, "And that's before we factor in the usual rises in steel, wages, oil, fuel, transport, cotton wool, fabric conditioner, porn, er, I mean, corn."
Conspiracy theorists are now adamant that the project is part of an all-out plan to ensure life becomes totally unbearable for everyone unless they learn to put a BLOODY CROSS IN THE RIGHT BOX PROPERLY! They seized on Mervyn King's statement recently in which he said the 'nice decade' was behind us.
"We've feared it all along," said Angus Smallspoon, a leading liberty campaigner and wax rubber, "as soon as King said that, I said, oh ho, HE knows, HE knows. Git."
For the past decade the UK public have generally managed to put a tick in the box the government wants, but recent opinion polls show we've totally forgot how to do it, or are even learning to do it another way.
"That's it," said Douglas Alexander, a previously mild-mannered minister who epitomised the Nice Decade, "You thought we were all nice, bumbling, well meaning knobheads you could kick out in a couple of years. Well, have I got news for you! Now out of my way, pleb scum! And remember," he added nastily, "I've got your number, mate."
David Cameron said he would not support these proposals and would fight them.
"We firmly believe that these proposals do go too far, however, that's our job, to oppose them until we are in government. And then we'll see what is best for the country, best for the people, and most of all, if they learn to keep putting a cross in the right box. Got it?"
Nick Clegg, a popular figure with young people and the deaf said, "Look, both Labour and the Tories are power mad fascists! It's clear they have not learned that all you have to do is SHOUT VERY LOUD and point your finger at people. Apart from that, no-one's getting their mitts on my porno log in."
Meanwhile Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales have decided enough is enough and will declare UDI tomorrow.
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