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Cheers! One is going to get pissed!
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Queen grants Scotland independence
Anything to get rid of Al Fayed, says gleeful monarch...
Following a revelation in a BBC radio interview that Mohamed al Fayed, the well known grocer and father of Princess Diana, would settle in an independent Scotland, Her Majesty the Queen broke all royal protocols and annexed Scotland with immediate effect.
"In fact, get the Stone of Destiny and crown him!" she is said to have barked at astonished officials before stomping off to organise the demolition of Harrods. Thereafter she is expected to host a celebratory party.
"She wants no trace left. Talk about burning bridges?" said a palace spokesman, "When she goes off you, she really goes off you."
The government was at first taken aback by the Queen's initiative and despite it being UK government policy that Scotland is clung onto until all the oil in the North Sea has been squeezed to the very last drop, ministers are said to be quite sanguine about the move.
"Look, in that interview he called us idiots." said Alistair Darling's eyebrows, "Now we, the Scottish Raj, have rid England forever of this man who would bring down the Royal Family. We shall build a new Scotia where Harrods once stood and ye may come and give allegiance to your saviours. Al Fayed can keep the old one. We never liked it anyway. Why do you think we are here in the first place?"
Unfortunately he may not be well received in his new kingdom, as Mr Fayed also called the Scottish Government a bunch of 'zombies' who only did what England told them.
"He said - what? He - what? WHIT???" Mr Salmond responded to us on the telephone. Then the line went dead. We have since learned that 200,000 Rangers fans have been conscripted into the Scottish Army, told to burn their Union Jacks and make ready to meet The Pretender, as he is now known, at the English border.
"Alex will have him hung," said one terrified SNP official, "You never, ever, EVER suggest Alex does what ANYONE tells him, far less the English. The man must have a death wish!"
Banned from England and Scotland, the future is uncertain for the outspoken millionaire who owns an estate in Easter Ross. Thousands of enraged highlanders have already ransacked the castle there and are armed to the teeth with hard boiled haggises with nails sticking out.
"Who knows what he can do now." mused one palace official, "Can't stay in England, not wanted in Scotland...hmm. Could always buy Wales?"
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