|
Her Hotpoint Automatic is wearing Mrs Scrubble down
|
Benefits offices to be relocated to wealthy suburbs
Why should only poor people have them, asks penniless stockbroker...
The credit crunch in the UK continues to bite and, according to leading corpse-chaser Transfat, the poor aren't feeling a damned thing.
"What we are seeing is poor people, those skanky folks with skinny kids, are laughing all the way to the bingo hall." said Ivor Smollen yesterday.
He said that instead of hard times hitting lager swilling dope-filled smackheads like his cousins no-one talks about, it is the rich who are truly suffering.
"I've seen hard working investors with millions coming to me and complaining quite loudly it's just intolerable trying to make ends meet on their £2.5 million mortgages and that one of them will need to go."
The focus of attention should be diverted from sink estates and towards the leafy suburbs where the true effects of a ghastly life are to be found.
"They can no longer cope," he told us, "Some of them tell me their accountants are utterly useless at advice and what they need is people like me to set up a giant network of agencies at the corner of every avenue."
In the grim streets of Happingtonwiff, a once much sought after area in London's commuter belt, we talked to down-trodden residents.
"Oh it's awful." said Henry Scrubble, as he washed his own Lexus, "Look at me, working my fingers to the bone. The wife is out the back hanging out her own washing. Look at her, you wouldn't think she was only 45."
Henry's neighbour, who was risking personal injury with a pair of shears, mopped his glistening brow, "You tell them Henry, it's disgusting. What about these scroungers? Not one of them, I'll bet, is wondering how they are going to afford to keep their gardener. Oh no, just go to the benefits office and they'll send you round a free one every week."
Both men agreed that a benefits office and advice agency was just what they needed.
"I've paid my dues," said Henry, holding back tears, "Now all I want is some help paying back the credit on the Fairline Squadron 78 I promised the wife. There she goes, another basket of sheets. Brave little woman!"
Steve Perk, a social worker, was dismissive of Transfat's ideas.
"I think they are completely out of touch with reality on this issue. I am also horrified at their glib reference to people on benefits going to the bingo hall. So passe. Hasn't he heard of jackpotjoy.com?"
Want more? Then take enormous pleasure in clicking
this link we have generously provided to The
Front Page
About Chuffers - Disclaimer: This site is a satire site, if you
take it too seriously you're dafter than us (which is quite a feat!)
|