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Specky twat
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Entire government goes to live in voters' houses
Crewe & Nantwich residents get at least a Downing Street tea lady each...
Gordon Brown, irked that the chancellor's bribe of giving away £2.7 billion ahead of the Crewe & Nantwich bye election has had little effect on voting intentions, ordered every single government minister, MP, aide, tea lady, cleaner, chaffeur or secretary to go and live with someone in the constituency.
Voters will be treated to an evening of fun and laughter as well as one to one tutoring on how to PROPERLY put a frickin cross on a frickin bit of paper.
Mrs Edna Flood, a retired gymnast, was tickled pink when she opened her 6 foot parcel, delivered to her today, to discover David Miliband grinning and winking at her.
"He's a lovely boy!" she purred, "Cute little nose. Hasn't he got nice hands? I'll stick him by the sideboard just now."
Others were not so pleased as the first wave of government bodies were shipped in. Arthur Flatbird, 79, was disgusted with his election companion.
"Hilary Benn! That's who I got. Couldn't they have sent me a young bird? Oh no, I get the specky twat with a girl's name. I've chucked him in the wheelie bin."
Some sent theirs straight back and demanded cuter tutors.
"I got this Scotchman. Fat thing." Ms Lillian Spott told us, "Ooo, he was ever so coarse. Kept on leering at me. Couldn't make out a word he said, so I calls me sister, Margaret, and she says I should be honoured, I'd got the Speaker.
"Well I says,I don't wish to sound ungrateful, but couldn't they send me one who could actually speak! I was going to put him in the shed but someone's dumped Ed Balls in there and I'm not touching him!"
There were reports of neighbours disgruntled with their MP swapping them for other government people.
"I had Harriet Harman," Tricia Sweat told us, "I said, you're not stopping here. Smarmy cow. So I popped next door and had a word with Mr Sidebottom, lovely old man, deaf as a post though. And blow me, did he not have little Douglas Alexander?"
She smiled down at Douglas, "Good swap. Harriet can witter all she likes to Mr Sidebottom, he'll not mind, seein' as he's deaf and I can have my little Dougie. Aw bless, he's dribblin'."
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