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Grrrrrrrrr!
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Weekend Science: Blue tits set to conquer the earth
We must act now, they'll eat us all, says wild professor...
They might be cute, fluffy, feathery friends now, but watch out, blue tits are set to take over the world.
Scientists, taking part in the world's biggest ever piece of research have discovered the world has experienced shocking global warming since the mini-skirt went out of fashion.
Amongst the effects seen in 564,000 pieces of individual records are:
Trees are growing leaves
Fish are swimming
Penguins can no longer tell the time
Lake Tanganyika fishermen are crap in bed
Ice melts faster in Mongolian tea
The lesser-spotted redcrested blaboo bird never existed
The oceans are bit warmer in some bits and a bit cooler in other bits.
No-one can measure their waistlines with any accuracy these days
Tom Cruise is insane
Helmut Von Spatula, a retired professor of cheese-making said to us, "Oh mine Gott! Look at all zis zat is happeningk and mit only a tiny increase in temperatoor! Vot vill it be like in a million years! Ve vill fry! I must build mineself a time machine!"
Worse though is the startling revelation that blue tits are responding well. Their numbers have increased ten fold and they are getting bigger.
Harold Shoebiter, well known twitcher and frog mater told our reporters,
"There are reports of 3lb blue tits being found in the Outer Hebrides. If we don't act now they'll run out of peanuts and start demanding sausages and things. A flock of them descended on my garden and devoured all my rhubarb and broke my whirligig."
If trends continue, or escalate, in time nothing will be sane, iced, where it should be, good in bed or terribly useful any more.
The only things left will be absolutely gigantic tits.
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