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UK for sale - but who will buy Wales? |
Loss-making Britain to be sold
We can't keep this thing going any longer say ministers...
Britain is to be sold off, the government announced today.
Ministers are understood to have come to the decision after looking at the books a bit closer and realising the country is skint.
"You do know it's been losing money for years?" an insider told us, "Billions every year. Billions! Who pays for that? We do, and I mean us with the bigger salaries. Have you seen my tax bill?"
No prospective buyers have been considered so far and ministers think a sale might be tricky in the current economic climate.
"Investment is bound to be constrained in many quarters. Worries about the global credit crunch will mean investors will be wary of buying into a loss making concern no matter what its potential is. They'd have to prop it up for many years before they saw any return," a Downing Street spokesman said, "Apart from that - who'd buy this dump?"
Observers agree that only piecemeal sell-off's of Britain would work.
John Tiddleman, a business analyst said, "Okay, places like Bath, no problem. The entire Cotswolds. Nice. And Scotland comes with an attractive revenue stream for the next few decades in the North Sea. But who'd buy Wales?"
Last year the country lost £40 billion and this is set to rise as over the next two years Labour intends on 'investing' billions more in teaching people how to put a cross on a bit of paper correctly. A pilot project began ahead of the Crewe and Nantwich by-election costing a cool £2.7 billion.
David Cameron reacted angrily to the impending sell off, "This is outrageous, it is becoming clearer to me every day we need a Conservative government back in power now. Only the Conservatives have the ability to put Britain back on its feet and stem these losses. We have a carefully planned programme which will see investment pouring into the UK as we sell off the hospitals, schools, prisons, government agencies, big bits of Scotland, the whole of Wales and anything else we want nothing to do with. Labour are copping out by not admitting they'd love to do all that too!"
Nick Clegg said both Labour and the Conservatives were running out of ideas. "It's very simple, all you have to do is SHOUT VERY LOUD and jab your finger at people. And I'd like to know who David Cameron is going to sell Wales to?"
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